Tag: self

Can we start a new life at 40?

I love these two quotes to start with …

Life is to live,if you are breathing you can alter your way of life now, especially if you are 40.Its a wrong concept that we cannot change we can change as life demands and as we want..It is commonly believed that 40 has become the new 20 (or at least the new 30), so it’s no surprise that many people are starting over at 40 with new careers, passions and even romance.

As far as my concept of life is we have once given life which is to be lived once, with death our consciousness our now will wither away.We are lucky that CREATOR gave us this gift,of which we were not conscious of before birth and will not be conscious of death.

Today one of my bipolar patient answered the same question..as… I’m almost 30 and am having to “restart” my life due to learning how to manage my major depression and anxiety disorder. My future ideas and dreams were kind of dashed after high school and I realized I couldn’t function well long-term in society with how my brain works. I’m getting there, though, and starting to form new dreams.

It’s always possible to start your life before you’re dead.

Now,as far as question is related age forty is also called a transition age,why? Its because we gain certain experiences ,and life training to apply on ourselves so as to think that let it be till I’m alive. and this time with more responsibility.We live our lives with certain responsibilities and obligations,so if we are born we have to live as humans..isn’t it,we must have our strong belief systems in which we must feel obliged and responsible.certain queries emerge while thinking about 40..If you haven’t already, take a moment to decide if how you live your life in a way that complements who you are today. It’s easy to get stuck in routines without realizing that they no longer deliver like they used to. Are you fulfilled in your job, with your romantic life, your friendships? Is it time to re-evaluate?

In Lynda Barry’s What it is, she writes about how it’s important to play. Not only for kids. For adults, too. That when we grow up, we not only forget to play, but we forget how to play, and playing is important.

I believe a kid who is playing is not alone. There is something brought alive during play, and this something when played with, seems to play back.

If you watch TV all the time, and you hate your job, and you are so afraid of change that you never change, you stop playing altogether. When you move, when you stretch yourself, when you do something radical, you remember what it was like when you dreamed a world in your head, and that was enough, because when you dreamed it, you were living in it.

As a professional I usually tell people age matters ,but in some areas only… Over the past few years I’ve really embraced this — if someone doesn’t like me it has no impact on my life. Mine is good and happy and the people in it are there for a reason. I want people to like me and know I’m a good person, but if they don’t, it’s none of my business and it’s not my job to try to change their minds. You have to develop a thick skin pretty quick. It’s a lot easier to be negative when you’re not standing face to face with someone, right?

Here I want to add this awesome quote..

If you announce your radical change to the world, sometimes people like to take that opportunity to tell you how wrong your radical change is. Are you running away from something? they ask. That is a horrible city, they opine. I don’t know why you would want to move there. That is a terrible idea! they respond. But I wish you all the best.

Once you start making radical change, you will discover how frightening radical change is. Not to you. You’re in it.Once I read recently on some blog, the fish doesn’t know it’s wet. Radical change can be terrifying to those around you. It upsets their teacups. It makes them question their own lives. It causes them to wonder why they can’t do what you are doing. Sometimes, though, it inspires people. Which is good. Because here’s what you don’t want to do in life: conform. Here is what you do want to do in life: inspire.

You also kind of have to tolerate being at sea. Right now, the parking lot behind where I am is being repaved, and the floor is vibrating. Here, there are more people, and more cars, and more traffic, and more things with which I am not familiar, and more stuff to do, and more new places to navigate, and more opportunities to pursue, and more of everything in the world. This can be a little disconcerting. You are an alien. But you can also feel your brain changing. Expanding like taffy stretching. You let it happen, knowing that at least you won’t be who you were. You’ll be somebody new.

People who don’t change are never anyone new. They’re always who they were. Is that who you want to be?

There are many reasons we must hit our reset button in life. Death, divorce, job in which you’re absolutely miserable, and it is sucking you dry every minute of everyday, a personal epiphany, and on, and on. Whatever your equation happens to be, it’s time to start over.

Really think about what you want. If you want to take the spiritual path, meditate on it. Ask your guides to assist you. Allow whatever you need to hear to come in. Allowing is so powerful.

If you want the brainy path (or in conjunction with the spiritual), think about what excites you. Write it down on an on-going list. Do you love to paint? Draw? Problem solve? When you read, what kind of books are you drawn to? Biographies? Complex, problem solving mysteries? Self Help books? What is it in these books that draws you in?

There are many areas you can look at to discover hidden passions that you appease with various stimulation, TV shows, books, magazines, internet searches and of course hobbies. What excites you?

Ask your friends and family what they think gets you going. When do they “light up” when you’re discussing things with them? They know more than you think. We notice things in others on a continual basis, and we often must just ask the questions to bring it to the surface because it is stored somewhere in their brains waiting for use. Write all of it down as you go. Keep a book just for ideas on what you really love.

Do a brain dump. In your “career journal” write down anything that comes to mind, and just keep writing until nothing is left. Get it out of your head and on to paper. It’s amazing how different things can look when they exist outside of your mind.If you’re fresh out of ideas after all of that brainstorming, get a coach or career counselor. They can assist you in uncovering what you may be hiding from.The thing we hide most often from is our own magnificence. We’re often afraid to step into our own truth and power because it feels too big, or scary, or we don’t believe we deserve it. Guess what? You do deserve it. I truly believe that if we all lived in our most passionate self and allowed ourselves our full potential, we would all fit together perfectly, like a well-oiled, complex machine.

This is the area where many of us get stuck and frustrated. What if there is more than one option? What if you just don’t see your dream as something you can do? What if you just do not know? Try joining a few professional groups, or speaking to professionals in a few of your choice areas. See what you think and feel about it after you look at the life of those professionals.

Simply try to throw away these assumptions that we hold due to family, friends, society or all of the above:

I can only do one thing professionally at a time.

Says who? That’s something someone made up. Move on.

I’m not good at anything.

Says who? This one has probably held you in your own trap for years. Get professional help to release this idea if you can’t do it on your own. It’s a life destroyer.

I’m highly educated and what I want does not require education. I can’t throw away my education.

Okay. You keep going to that job you hate then. Obviously the education did not actually work for you for whatever reason.

Yes, they may. And this may be what got you here in the first place. Does it matter what others think if you are miserable? Or is that facade more important than having your own life? What’s most important is what you think of yourself and that you’re living your best life. Not anyone else’s. No one said it would be easy to take control of your own destiny.

Good. Maybe that can be part of how you make money while you get your other life on solid footing. Otherwise, you are just making up more reasons to stay miserable. Nice work. You win the “most human” award. We are so good at being comfortably miserable. I have done it too.

Can you afford to be out of work for a year while treating your stress related heart condition? Can you afford to lose your job to someone who likes it and has the passion that you lack? There are always reasons to not do something. What’s more important are the reasons to do them. If the reasons to do something else are right for you, you can figure out the rest.

Also, allow yourself to know that it’s okay if you take a while to figure it out. We get caught up in things when we finally decide it’s time and we expect things to just happen as our thought process changes. Remember, the speed of our thoughts are much faster than the speed of our lives. Accept that. It helps.

Also accept that you may choose wrong, or appear to choose wrong at first. Often, once we start to change our lives, the journey ends up looking completely different than we could have planned. I call this divine timing/guidance. You can call it crap or annoying or whatever works for you, but again, if you allow it, it will lead you to exactly the place you are supposed to be. We can learn from everything we do, if we allow it.

Once you narrow it down and have done your research, begin making a plan. Does it involve more education? What’s the time and monetary cost? Does it require involvement in certain groups? Can you start in the group as you work your way into the profession? Professional groups are so helpful for education and understanding of your chosen area. It doesn’t have to be a complex plan. Do it in a way that works for you.

Once you create the plan, get buy-in from loved ones (if you have others that are involved in this, kids, spouses, whoever). Let them know what kind of emotional, financial and physical needs you will require assistance with as you take this new journey. Give them time to digest it, because it will probably have an impact on them as well. Be clear in expressing your needs. Ask for feedback. Make sure that you have someone privately (parent, sibling, friend) or professionally who can assist you with all of the path obstacles.

Talk about exciting! You have the courage to begin again, and that, all by itself, is something to celebrate. Celebrate yourself often through this, as you’re walking away from something that did not work for you before, into something that will (or at least get you closer). That is truly living your life. Good for you!

Emotions and social interactions — even personality — may systematically change as people enter middle age. Many studies have found that people become calmer and less neurotic as they age. “There’s a quieting of emotional storms.”

Obviously

“Instead of a crisis, middle age should be thought of as a time for a new form of self-investment,” Reuter-Lorenz says. “This time of life brings so many new opportunities to invest in your own cognitive and physical resources, so you can buffer against the effects of older age.”

Coping with the challenges that present in 40 takes time and energy, but it is a necessary part of finding greater satisfaction in life. Below are some tips for leading a healthy lifestyle in middle age.

Explore, accept and share your feelings; allow yourself to reflect on your life regularly; devote extra time to your partner and rekindle your relationship,if you have; set new goals and develop new hobbies; travel; volunteer; devote special time to your children; take care of your mental health (and join a group or seek out a therapist if necessary).

Exercise can help people take charge of their health and maintain the level of fitness necessary for an active, independent lifestyle. Many people think that physical decline is an inevitable consequence of aging and that we are bound to slow down and do less. With proper care, this is not necessarily true. Much of the physical frailty attributed to aging is actually the result of inactivity, disease or poor nutrition. Many difficulties can be eased or even reversed by improving lifestyle behaviors. One of the major benefits of regular physical activity is protection against coronary heart disease. Physical activity also provides some protection against other chronic diseases such as adult-onset diabetes, arthritis, hypertension, certain cancers, osteoporosis, and depression. Research has also proven that exercise can reduce tension and stress. Overall, exercise is one of the best things you can do for your health. You can maintain an active sex life, keep fit and enjoy yourself as you mature.

No matter your age, a balanced, nutritious diet is essential to good health. Older adults in particular need to eat a balanced diet using all the food groups. Eating a variety of foods helps ensure adequate levels of vitamins and minerals.

Some adults tend to put on weight as they age. This is generally due to changes in hormones, overeating, and inactivity. The best way to lose body fat is to eat fewer calories, especially from saturated fats, and to participate in aerobic exercises. Just an extra 100 calories per day can cause a 10-pound gain over the course of a year, but those extra calories can be burned by a 20- to 30-minute brisk daily walk.

Sleep and rest are great rejuvenates. With age, sleep patterns may change. Be sure to include breaks in your daily exercise program, especially if you sleep fewer than eight hours each night. Exercise can help relieve problems with insomnia as well. Mild exercise for a few hours during the day can help you get a restful night’s sleep.

Allow your 40s to be a time of creative change. It can be your greatest opportunity for having the life you want or gaining a sense of peace.

🙂

All the best

Zaira Khan

 

Someone asked

First of all this is very important to know that whether she annoys you or you get annoyed because of her due to many psychological factors like,her beauty,her confidence,her patience?Verbal abuse is a subcategory of emotional or psychological abuse..

Asking this question shows that you feel sensitive and guilty for your such behavior..am I right? actually we are in the era where we are not as committed to our partners as our elders used to be. but it looks like you two are still with each-other and are being affected by this very thing but are not separated..

Don’t you think that our words define us..no one can judge or estimate us unless we are not with words. Though when words are spoken, then half of the action is also taken the place. Actions speaks louder than words though but if our words effect others and ourselves then for sure your actions are half done.

Then its not of any usage how much you love your wife you hate your wife ,you care for your wife or you give damn to her. UNDERSTAND THAT HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY IS VERY COMPLICATED..There are always reasons behind our acts and words.feelings????? habits?? psychological compositions?????? environmental and genetic dispositions ?????

Taking an honest look at your relationship will help you decide if you are behaving like an oppressor—and how to break out of this habit.

Let’s be honest: abusing husbands may seem heroic on the surface, but what’s the real reward for your such act? If you’re noticed, people may…call you a martyr. Is that worth the potential cost of destroying your relationship? More important, is behaving like a martyr worthy of you? If you adopt this style, you may not realize something crucial: You could inadvertently abdicate responsibility for your happiness. When you behave like that, you give your power away, including the power to solve your own problems and to learn new ways of responding to your emotions of anger, fear, depression, shame, guilt, or embarrassment. This can make you feel helpless.

As a psychologist I usually tell my clients that

In the practice of counseling professionals usually see the why’s of such behaviors..

Its important for you to find out that is it something that you need some professional help for or you can really be a smart person to practice self-control strategies..psychologists when don’t see results..usually say…

so????????

usually we don’t want to lose our relationships until and unless the relations going to hell…

Emotional abuse can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim are fully aware it’s happening.t involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn’t learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.
Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder(BPD), narcissistic personality disorder(NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD). Although emotional abuse doesn’t always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety. You simply can’t allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem. It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change. The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

Make amends.Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.Identify the patterns of controlling behavior you are using.Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away as an abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with yourself.

Develop an exit plan. No one can remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered…but…:(

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim’s sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others. In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one’s sense of self and personal value. It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.The sad thing is that your whole life is affected while everything changes in your partner’s.

My advise-let go. Detach yourself from such behaviors.. Even if it means letting go of your high bloated ego. Put yourself first and just let go. Dont try to manipulate your wife. Yet In fact, growing up.. she emotionally abused by you to such an extent that she still bear the marks today. But by looking for the strength within you let go. Good ridden, Dont harden your heart and move on.. Even if it means letting go of your emotional manipulation.whatever the reason they were with. Put yourself first and just let go. Do not manipulate her again in a similar manner.

Don’t let your wife wonder that why why she is so stuck on someone who hates her and verbally abuses her. The effect of verbal aggression is greater than the expression of love.

last thing to say….

zairakhan

 

Feeling OK 

We might feel that emotional regulation is about feeling okay. However, it is reasonable to assume that “feeling okay” is just the reward we get for listening to our emotions. My assumption is that emotions are there to motivate you to do the right thing. For instance, fear makes you run away from threats, love encourages you to invest in a (hopefully) beneficial relationship, and anger fuels your desire to protect your rights. From this perspective, emotions are the instant priority list of survival. Of course they can be far from flawless, but they most often encourage us to move in the right direction before we even realize that there is any such thing as a right direction.

Zairakhan

PC. Zairakhan 

​Attraction vs. Avoidance

Some people are motivated more by doing things, whilst others are motivated more by avoiding things.

People who are driven towards doing things tend to have positive goals and seek to achieve specific things. They are forward-looking and see the world as being full of opportunity. They generally have a passion and desire to succeed in order to gain either specific rewards or general recognition.

They focus is largely on the future and when they have achieved something they may even forget about it in the headlong charge into further challenges.

Some people have problems with this in that they are attracted to too many things. They dart from one opportunity to another, seeking gratification all over the place. They may be looking for something and they may not yet know what they want.

Those who are driven to avoid things something look like they are attracted to the things they are actually doing, but they are actually looking more over their shoulder than in front of them. For example people who are very energetic at work may be driven more by a worry about failure or criticism than by an attraction towards achievement.

Those who are avoidance-driven focus more by their fears than their desires (which may well be fears in disguise).

Avoidance can be a high-stress preference. We may be generally driven by attraction when things are going well, but when we are threatened or otherwise experience high levels of stress, we may use an avoidance strategy to get away from that discomfort.

A problem with avoidance when compared to attraction is that there are many directions in which to run away from something, yet only one way you can run towards something. Motivating a person by triggering avoidance is not necessarily a helpful approach.

For those who are driven by attraction, seek their passions and lay opportunity in their path. They will swoop towards what you are offering.

For those driven by avoidance, point out the problems of the past and the dangers of the present. Show them a future where they can at least avoid the worst of the problems they face.

Zaira  Khan

Self satisfaction 

Life is for once, and this era has shown us so much to do and enjoy. But psychologically we all yearn for those things in life which gives tranquility, calmness, terrific feeling of achievement and most of all self satisfaction.

Self satisfaction for one person is defined different from as defined by other. Let’s take things more technically that for some people singing is self satisfaction and for other working in the charity center. So there are no set rules to follow the rules for high self-esteem and great self satisfaction.

As a psychologist I believe that we all are individuals with our individualistic needs.

For me doing my job as a psychologist is the best example for me as myself. Nothing in the world gives a satisfying heart as to be with the ones who need me. Some schizophrenic patients, some bipolar depression ‘s victims, some with emotional, marital, addiction, personality, genius, normal but stressed out etc issues. The list will go on and on but doing good for others is not only the profession it’s the truth present for self satisfaction.

According to Rogers, we should try not to conform to the expectations of others. We should rather come to terms with our own nature, trust one’s own experience, and accept the fact that other people are different. In this way, the gap between the real self and the ideal self will become lesser and a state of congruence will come into place. Once this happens, in terms of Rogers, the person is said to have become oneself. The becoming of one’s self makes the person what Rogers calls a fully functioning person. The fully functioning person, according to Rogers, acknowledges and expresses all his/her feelings, has no rigidity and preconceptions about what he/she should be, make and rely on their own decisions, acknowledges the feeling of freedom and takes responsibility of his/her decisions, and contributes to life. Becoming oneself and being a fully functioning person brings the person closer and closer to self-satisfaction.

A high level of self-awareness is required for self-satisfaction. An individual should have a realization of his/her strengths and weaknesses. This will make the person know about how good or bad he/she is at various things. This will also make the person more focused and will enable him/her to know exactly what he/she wants from life. When a person knows exactly what he/she wants to do, it generates an immense amount of positive feeling within that person and leads to a lot of self-worth.

This high level of self-awareness is very much similar to what Howard Gardner calls intrapersonal intelligence. People who are high on intrapersonal intelligence have a good capacity of being introspective and self-reflective. They are intuitive and skillful in recognizing their own feelings and motivations. It includes having a deep level of understanding, knowing ones strengths and weaknesses, realization of what makes one unique, and having the ability to predict one’s own reactions and emotions.

The only way to maintain a proper composure in life is to seek and eventually achieve self-satisfaction. It is the seeking of self-satisfaction that guides the person through all the turbulence of life. Achieving self-satisfaction should be the main criteria in whatever the person wants to do.

Zaira Khan 

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Art of manipulation 

​At a psychological level, the art of manipulation primarily involves two things: concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors and knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of your opponent well enough to know what tactics are likely to be the most effective weapons against them. Psychological manipulation is most often accomplished through covert-aggression or aggression that is so carefully veiled or so subtle that it’s not easily detected. Manipulators want what they want and fight hard to attain their goals. But the tactics they use can make it appear like they’re doing almost anything but simply trying to get the better of you. The tactics are also very effective weapons of power and control. That’s because even though they’re hard to recognize as aggressive moves at a conscious level, at an unconscious level others feel backed into a corner and are thrown on the defensive. This makes it more likely that they’ll back down or give in to their manipulator.

Skilled manipulators know the vulnerabilities of their opponents. If vanity is someone’s weakness, a seduction tactic might be the best manipulation tactic. If over-conscientiousness is their weakness, perhaps guilt-tripping would be the most effective way to gain the upper hand. Most manipulators have a significant disturbance of character (i.e. have too little conscience or sensitivity). Their easiest prey are neurotic individuals (i.e. people with high levels of sensitivity and conscientiousness). Tactics like Playing the Victim, or Shaming will effectively manipulate the average neurotic because conscientious individuals neither want to see someone else as suffering, nor do they want to feel badly about themselves. If a neurotic person were to try these same tactics on a disturbed character, they would soon learn that they have no effect.

Zaira khan

Live it

Today, I challenge you to pick one of your best qualities and LIVE IT. If you are smart, do something to make you smarter. If you are loving, do something to spread love through your environment. If you hate yourself when you yell, choose to speak only at a neutral volume. The possibilities are endless.

You get to choose who you are. I dare you to do it.