Tag: values

Life is a true lesson for self and others.

Life is not always as good as you want it to be. We all have different opinions about life and the lessons we have learned. Sometimes we are constantly conscious of what we are gaining from each new day and sometimes we are totally unaware. For me insight into certain aspects of life is important. Our relationship with our life cannot be always cultivating positive effects on us. But even then we have to take hold of the best ways to make life easier and better. The thing with wisdom, and often with life lessons in general, is that they’re learned in retrospect, long after we needed them. The good news is that other people can benefit from our experiences and the lessons we’ve learned. In my case I am sure about it, honestly.

On beginning our adult journey we feel as though we have to do everything at once. We need to decide everything, plan out our lives, experience everything, get to the top, find true love, figure out what is our purpose of life and we want to do everything at the same time.

Slow down it’s the lesson for me and you —don’t rush into things. Let your life unfold. Wait a bit to see where it takes you, and take time to weigh your options. Enjoy every bite of food, take time to look around you.Allow yourself time to think, to mull a bit. Taking action is critical. Working towards your goals and making plans for the future is commendable and often very useful, but rushing full-speed ahead towards anything is a one-way ticket to burnout and a good way to miss your life as it passes you by.

In this way you will catch the idea that other people cannot give you the validation you seek. That has to come from inside,it took lots of time in my case to understand this crazy stuff. Speak up, stick to your guns, assert yourself when you need to, demand respect, stay true to your values. Then for sure you will be able to get a lot of confidence for yourself. This is how I kept on learning and also kept moving.

We have all of these expectations; predetermined visions of what our “ideal” life will look like, but all too often, that’s not the reality of the life we end up with. Sometimes our dreams fail and sometimes we just change our minds mid-course. Sometimes we have to fail to find the right course and sometimes we just have to try a few things before we find the right direction.

Pretending to be perfect doesn’t make you perfect. It just makes you neurotic to keep up the pretense of manufactured perfection. We have this idea that there is some kind of stigma or shame in admitting our limitations or uncertainly, but we can’t possibly know everything. We all make mistakes and mess up occasionally. We learn as we go, that’s life. Besides—nobody likes a know-it-all. A little vulnerability makes you human. I believe nothing in your life is not guaranteed to be there tomorrow, including those you love.

The life lesson that is vital to be learned, honestly is,”Life can change in an instant. Make sure you appreciate what you have, while you still have it”. Which is the real deep and hard lesson finally I think I have learned in my life.

Zairakhan

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Value yourself 


How you perceive yourself, how you talk about yourself, and how you represent yourself eventually become the reality for you. And if it happens that you’re putting yourself down, belittling your worth, and making light of your talents in the face of others, then you will come across as self-effacing, low in self-esteem, and almost a part of the wallpaper. This isn’t humility, it’s self-denial and an attempt to lessen your presence. On the other hand, if you exaggerate your qualities, talents, and skills, you’ll come across as egotistical and arrogant but oddly enough, this is not about over-estimating your self-worth but about deceiving yourself through insecurity. There is a middle pathway and it is the one in which you recognize and celebrate the fact that you are a valuable person, equal to everyone else, and that your talents and thoughts are unique and worthy. Getting to this belief can be difficult if you have spent years underestimating your worth but it is always possible to change your thoughts and to learn to value yourself.

Zairakhan

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life..Stay happy

I will start writing with a beautiful quote , “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.” (Aristotle)

In the same way “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” (Aristotle). Why we need or desire to hear the same messages about spirituality and happiness repeatedly. We read books saying the same basic things in different ways with regularity. We seem to need to continue hearing similar messages to get back on track in our quest for serenity and happiness.

Life is a game. When we are able to detach from it, when we realize we are in control, when we realize it is our thoughts and attitudes that create our reality, we are more serene and happy. Eventually, as a result of how busy we are, we get drawn back into the daily game of life. The life game is too tempting. The daily dramas, the ups and downs make life interesting. For whatever reason, the majority of us do not seem to want to completely give up the roller coaster of emotions. Perhaps this is our purpose, or some of the purpose we assign to life. So no big deal,happiness is here and now.

There is always time to inhabit a state of mind. Just calmly, step by step, little by little, work daily at what you love, even if it is just for ten minutes. Do not let go of the kite string to your passions because you think you do not have time. It is the consistent connection to something transcendent that keeps you afloat and calm. always think you can get some time for yourself by yourself,in which you must be trying to figure out that what probably must keep you calm,relax and happy.Your mind is truly yours,but if you know how and where to use.

Calm people succeed because they have backed out enough from the fray to know their own minds and make intelligent choices about living. It may be that they can very well keep pace.Being in a hurry all the time drains your energy. Getting caught up in things beyond your control stresses you out. If you’d like to reduce stress and become calm and cool, make a list of happy moments..just few ones..and then by using the technique of ,The Repetition Enchants…. that advances in cognitive science have radically changed our understanding of just why repetition is so psycho-emotionally tempting,alluring and attractive. Though you cant go in past’s happy moments but we all have good memories stored in our minds.

There are certain character traits each human has, which are part biology (temperament) and part learned as we grow and are taught how to behave in society. There are environmental influences that can lead one to behaving in a way he generally wouldn’t consider himself to be. And then there is the mind, a powerful, but often underutilized mechanism that can change the way one views a situation and thereby affects behavior. As I’ve written previously every moment is an opportunity to take control of your mind and choose whom you will be. Personality Psychology supports this idea. I am saying all this because no one can see humans’ emotions in space,humans are complicated and not one is like other..so some general rules could be applied to specific cases..

First of all have a great belief that you are a human being and its in you nature to find the happiness that can satisfy you and also can be adapting well with your social norms,familial norms,religious norms etc. As a psychologist I believe…

We in our lives get only that which we aim for we have intention and capability of ..like …The next time you find your stress level skyrocketing and ask yourself:

Will this matter to me…

  • Next week?
  • Next month?
  • Next year?
  • In 10 years?

No, it won’t. I bet most of the stuff that stresses you wouldn’t matter the next week (maybe not even the next day). Stop agonizing over things you can’t control, because you’re only hurting yourself.

You’re not perfect and that’s okay. Show me a person who claims to be perfect and I’ll show you a liar. Demanding perfection of yourself (or anybody else) will only stress you out.

Usually I tell about this model to my students and clients…

LIFE OF PLEASURE

A Pleasant life consists of having as much pleasure as you can, as many of the positive emotions, and learning some of the dozen or so techniques that actually work for increasing the duration and intensity of your pleasures. There are shortcuts to the pleasures. You can go shopping; you can watch television; you can take drugs. These things are temporary gratifications, and do not lead to true happiness.”

This is what most people pursue all their lives – ‘trying’ to be happy, by looking outwardly for things, people or sources to satisfy them. I don’t think that indulging in some degree of pleasure in life is a bad thing. However, as with everything, the pleasant life should be lived in moderation, making sure they are not substitutes for real joy. It is important to balance a pleasant life with the other shades of happiness. Do not allow physical, sensoral pleasures to dominate your world.

LIFE OF PASSION

“Also called the Engaged Life, it is being ‘One’ with what you’re doing, being totally wrapped up in your being and doing. You give your all towards this kind of life. You live it Passionately! The engaged life can only be had by first knowing what your highest strengths are, and re-crafting your life to use them at work, in love, in leisure, in friendship etc.”

This type of happiness is when you are completely engaged & ‘lost’ in what’s going on around you. You live in the moment, in the flow, at a peak level, and you feel that you are truly living a full life. Successful people all know how to engage themselves this way – Tiger Woods (golf), Lewis Hamilton (F1),Anthony Robbins (motivational coach) etc. They are highly motivated. They know what they are good at, and how to leverage on their strengths, talents to create a career and life that is lived out passionately.

LIFE OF PURPOSE

“Also called the Meaningful Life, it consists of knowing what your highest strengths and talents are and using them in the SERVICE of something that you believe is bigger than you are.”

When you are living without purpose, or worse, living for just yourself, it is difficult to know true happiness. You feel lost, without direction and purposeless. It is only when you live for others that you find your place in the grand scheme of life. ‘Giving’ your life to others broadens your vision and purpose of life. Your strengths, talents, gifts and experiences are meant to serve the world, to leave your mark and legacy in it. You live your life with a sense of calling and destiny. Think about how you can use them to make the lives of others better. In the process, you’ll make your life better too!

Most of us work for happiness from Pleasure upwards (stage 1). When a much better approach would be to start from Meaning first. Today, let’s find meaning and purpose in whatever we do, for there resides the greatest resource for happiness to live out meaningful lives.

Don’t worry, be Happy!….Glenn Lim LIFE PURPOSE 1 – The 3 Shades of Happiness

Below are a few easy ways which you can often use practice patience every day, increasing your ability to remain calm and cool in the face of stress:

  • The next time you go to the grocery store, get in the longest line.
  • Instead of going through the drive-thru at your bank, go inside.
  • Take a long walk through a secluded park or trail.

Focusing on the end result can quickly become exhausting. Chasing a bold, audacious goal that’s going to require a lot of time and patience? Split it into several mini-goals so you’ll have several causes for celebration. Giving yourself consistent positive feedback will help you grow patience, stay encouraged, and find more joy in the process of achieving your goals.Inspiration is the goal, not rigid rules on being happy.

Thoughtful words from C.S. Lewis, but do they equate to real life happiness? Our self-esteem is a bit of a tricky topic, because researches on self-esteem paints a very inconsistent picture: it seems that high self-esteem is certainly related to happiness, but it can produce other problems with the ego.

For instance, a variety of research suggests that self-esteem that is bound to external success can be a fickle beast — certain students who tied their self-esteem to their grades experienced small boosts when they received an acceptance letter , but harsh drops in self-esteem when they were rejected.Indeed, similar findings were reported for those who base their self-esteem on career success and appearance. Conversely, those who do not tie their self-esteem as strongly to external motivators tend to have less of a “roller coaster” of emotions to the things that happen to them, and are generally more happy as a result.

It seems strange that being very productive would cause one to be happy, but studies suggest that balanced free time is key, as too much boredom can be burdensome — strive for a productive life at a comfortable pace.

Another suggestion is compelling evidence that more friends = happier, because after all, the quality of the people in your life matters the most, just be sure to acknowledge that there are many friends to be made, and maintaining a small circle can go a long way in making you a happy person.

Move Beyond the Small Talk …the extent of small talk was negatively associated with happiness… [and] the extent of substantive talk was positively associated with happiness. So, happy people are socially engaged with others, and this engagement entails matters of substance.

This is confirmed by many studies dealing with SWLS (Satisfied With Life Scale), which shows that regular small pleasures had a bigger impact on happiness than fewer larger ones. Perhaps this is why it’s often so difficult to put off what we want now for what we want later, so beware of the trap here: tough accomplishments that have to be earned oftentimes result in a happier day-to-day

Experiences improve over time for sure makes us happy.. We adapt slowly to experiences. Experiences are social: human beings are social animals, that’s a fact. Did you know that true solitary confinement is often classified as “cruel and usual” punishment due to the detrimental effects

You must have known the marshmallow experiment, a quick summary is that researchers found those children who were able to resist the temptation of eating a marshmallow immediately (vs. waiting for the researchers to come back) did notably better in some major areas of life, leaving some to conclude that delayed gratification is a solid predictor of future success.

The research has shown that there certainly seems to be some sort of connection between delayed gratification and overall life satisfaction. People with self-control seem to be happier with life. Since delayed gratification has consistently been shown to be dependent on the “strategic allocation of attention,” it seems apparent to me that discipline in this regard is really dependent on creating systems to anois the power of self-esteem.

Psychology doesn’t always tell us what we want to hear, so it’s nice when a good deed lines up with a great personal benefit.

I was happy to find this study that show how showing gratitude for someone (or even for what you have) boosted happiness by a noticeable level. The researchers say 25%, but again, we’re debating minutiae, the important thing is that it worked.

Furthermore, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes (and avoiding the pessimistic outlook )

Pick a skill and master it,Suppose, for instance, that you want to change a habitual negative thought (like “I’m not that good with people”) to a positive alternative (like “people really like me when they get to know me”). That kind of change can be accomplished in less than two weeks, simply through five minutes of daily affirmations.

Don’t Let Time Slip Away This one is a bit less scientific, but I’d rate it as one of the most important on this list (the most important one is maintaining strong relationships, than none).

If you’ve seen the study on the Top five regrets on dying, you’ll recall that the number one regret was not being true to one’s own dreams:This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

Perhaps the biggest wake-up call here is that these people didn’t mean for this to happen—one day blended into the next, and “someday” passed by, and a call to follow a specific dream went unanswered.

To sum up.. I found a too simple strategies based post..

.I hope you liked the suggestions..

Stay happy…life is for once…

Zaira Khan

What is the root of all evil?

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Are we  indeed “evil creatures” and need some governing authority in our lives  to regulate our behavior? If so, what authority? In my experience, there  is an aspect of my intellect that only loves itself. It has been  defined by many wise teachers as the “ego” but their definition is  sometimes confusing.From a spiritual perspective, ego means considering oneself to be  distinct from others and God due to identification with the physical  body and impressions in various centers of the subtle body. In short ego  is leading our life as per the thinking that our existence is limited  to our 5 senses, mind, and intellect and identifying with them to  various degrees.In layman’s terms one can define ego as  pride about oneself. Thoughts such as my body and mind, my intellect, my  life, my wealth, my wife and children, I should acquire happiness, etc.  arise from ego alone.Ego, awareness of the self, pride, conceit and ‘i’ness are words related to the word ‘ego’ but on a psychological plane. For the sake of simplicity, let us call it  “intellect devoid of love”. And let us call egoism the philosophy that  ego is the most important thing. Many of those who lead our institutions  overtly or secretly follow this philosophy and have organized  themselves into a mutually supported global power. Many people  think that they are evil. They are addicted to power, and what is  necessary is to have a global “intervention” where we communicate to  them how they have hurt others and also to be honest with themselves about how they have enabled their disruptions overtime. In other words, we need a revolution.  Because the root of all evil is egoism, or addiction to ego. And the  Supreme Loving Consciousness is the only legitimate governing authority  that should guide our behavior. More and more are recognizing this. Let  us put aside our petty differences and help each other see the egoism  that we have a hard time seeing when we are so focused on the  destructive behaviors of others. Let there be Love Revolution! Let the  forces of Life overthrow the egotist tyrants externally and internally!If we come out of the negativity of ego and try to truly understand what the unique method for dealing egoistic desires then we will be faraway from many evils with their roots.The biggest confusion for people who get into spirituality is with  regards to their “Ego”. It’s common for spiritual people to consider Ego  as negative; but in truth, it’s not Ego that’s negative but thoughts  based in fear that are negative. Ego is Ego; it’s not negative or  positive. What you “think” determines whether you are aligning with  negative or positive. The way I define Ego is that it’s the structure in  your mind that gives a “person” identity; it serves a very practical  purpose for physical interaction of humans.You are unique as an expression of universal consciousness and your  uniqueness is reflected in the preferences or desire that your physical  being comes up with – your brain/mind/heart comes up with the desires  based on its unique natural conditioning/external conditioning (the  structure of personal Ego). Each of your desire has a huge value because  it causes expansion in life and you act as a co-creator of new  realities. So your Ego has a very important part to play in the game of  co-creation. The Ego desires new realities through its preferences and  the universal consciousness brings forth the manifestation of these  realities and keeps them in place.So give up on the negative loop of trying to quell your ego, and  allow yourself the freedom to express your uniqueness through your  desires/preferences. Life is not here to condemn you for your desires,  it’s here to embrace all of it and bring it to manifestation. You are  totally loved by life just the way you are, it has no conditions for  you, it’s is totally appreciative of the value you provide through your  uniqueness – it’s important that you realize how valuable your presence  here is.

Zaira Khan

Just a few steps

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Setting goals is a key step in accomplishments. However, I  often see clients with lofty goals that may not even be realistic.  Holding ourselves to goals that we cannot reach can damage our  self-esteem and inhibit our interest in trying to reach these goals  again.
When setting your mind to reach a goal, ask yourself “Is this  realistic and can I actually attain this goal?” If the answer is no,  consider breaking the goal down into intermediate steps or modifying it  altogether.
Empower yourself to change what you can, and let go  of the rest. Don’t expend your energy trying to control others. Focus on  yourself,first.There’s a reason why the saying “When life throws you  lemons, make lemonade” has been around for years. When things aren’t  going right, ask yourself “Could things be worse?” or “Is there anything  I can take out of this that can be a benefit to me?”
More often than not, there is a positive aspect to things that  happen, even those that feel negative. Try to view it in a different  light and you may find your attitude turn around. It can  be very difficult to focus on what is directly in front of you and  ensure that you are fully present.
Today’s technology and expectation to be connected or available to  work at all times is one of the most prominent challenges people face  when trying to be present in the “here and now.”
Listen to what your heart and mind tell you about what  you need to do. Learning to reflect on your inner thoughts and feelings  will help you trust putting them into action.
Stop and see what it is that’s keeping you stuck right  now. Oftentimes it’s a blind spot you can’t see, so taking time to null  things over helps you see more clearly. Is it a decision you’re afraid  to make? Are certain people bringing you down? Are you in a cycle of  negative thinking? Or whatsoever,You must be aware.For life improvement, I suggest the reader put life on  pause, for at least a few moments a day, and consider what you’d like to  accomplish today, and the vibe you want to carry.
Years ago, a client of mine was searching for a guidepost or mantra  by which to live his life. After much soul-searching, he decided that,  with every decision he makes, every day, he wanted to write the “better  story.”
The better story might be getting up earlier rather than sleeping in  [or] reaching out to help someone instead of passively ignoring their  need… This turned out to be an enormous gift to me, as I now try to do  this every day surely is a positive activity.
You don’t need an overhaul to improve the quality of your life. Just a  few steps can help to boost your well-being and make your days more  meaningful. And the great part is that you can start today.

🙂

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Zaira Khan

Self-Respect

There is no need to be inflexible or rigid or to beat yourself up if you give in to someone over relatively minor issues. Most of us realize that we often have to bend a little and make compromises,and there are plenty of such times when giving in to pressure doesn’t mean that much.But falling into patterns of giving into things that aren’t good for you takes its toll on your self-image.There is always a bottom line,a point at which to give in is to violate our most important principles and beliefs and we must be fully aware of it.

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Zaira Khan

Is it weird to hate small talk?

how-to-start-conversation-with-a-girl.jpgI don’t think,its weird. Small talk forces you to read other people’s boundaries.Humans are social beings: We crave connections.

Because small talk is where it all begins—and if you want to get somewhere, it helps, we’re told, to start at the beginning. Small talk is a gift rarely found in nature or the financial markets: It is a free option—that is, an investment with no initial cost, no risk (other than a temporarily bruised ego) and unlimited upside. Small talk can lead to a host of outcomes, from a merely pleasant exchange to the signing of multimillion-dollar business deal. When a free option comes along, you take it—every time.People like people who are generous (and confident) enough to engage them. Small talk isn’t just about being gregarious or entertaining—it’s a gesture of respect.

Small Talk is important because it is spontaneous.Small talk is important because it “makes you smarter”:A study at the University of Michigan shows that companionable interactions, like small talk, can increase our problem-solving abilities. Oscar Ybarra, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, explains “Some social interactions induce people to try to read others’ minds and take their perspectives on things.

“Small Talk is important because it will “open your eyes”:Small talk Can help you be attentive. you pay attention. Some call it, “living in the present” while Brent Nelson considers it “putting down your stupid smart phone long enough to have a conversation with a human being in three dimensions.”

We are so conditioned to view social behavior as an absolute good that avoiding small talk is considered rude. This is part of something I call “the tyranny of extroverts,” a set of expected behaviors that are assumed to be superior, simply because they are louder or more visible. As someone who despises small talk, I’d like to debunk the myth that it is necessary or even useful.

If you hate small talk, why would you have friends who expect you to talk to them this way? Wouldn’t you be better off associating with people who appreciate more enlightening conversations? Or at least conversations that are humorous, clever, or in some way useful? I understand the importance of just being there for them when they need someone to talk to, it’s part of being a good friend, but if their small talk is consistently a chore, it’s probably time to upgrade your social circle.

Perhaps the reason so many people find small talk tedious is simply that they’re bad at it.Some social interactions induce people to try to read others’ minds and take their perspective on things.Small talk makes you pay attention. Yoga types call it “living in the present.” I call it “putting down your stupid smart phone long enough to have a conversation with a human being in three dimensions.” Whatever you call it, it’s a good thing.

A small psychology study a few years ago found that people who spent more time in “substantive” conversations were happier than those who wasted their time on lighter fare. When researchers recorded snippets of conversations over the course of several days, the happiest person in the study engaged in only a third of the amount of small talk as the unhappiest. But there’s other evidence that small talk is salubrious, since social interaction seems to decrease stress. As one recent paper’s subtitle has it, “Minimal social interactions lead to belonging and positive affects.”

A small talk for introverts are quite dreadful..they cant carry on with superficial talks. As a psychologist I believe that we are combinations of different traits,so we can still have the ability to learn and relearn new adaptable behaviours.

Listen for anything that might lead you into a different direction. Pick up on specific words that the person uses and that will lead to a deeper conversation. Keep your ears tuned to words that will clue you into what the person is interested in.

Empathizing words are short statements like “I can see that you” or “I can understand you feeling that way” or “It must have been…”Keep the focus on them.If you sense someone enjoys their work – then ask them about it.Ask, “What do you enjoy doing?”Look at the body language and take note if they are ready to talk.Match their mood for a moment Ask open ended questions. For example: Why did you move to this area? Tell me about your trip. What is your work day like? What inspired you to go into your field?

As the conversation evolves then you can ask background or roots, upbring where they grew up or grade school. Occupation, hobbies, etc.Ask What they enjoy doing on weekends.Greet people by silently thinking “Hello Old Friend” and think acronym SOFTENER

Listen for anything that might lead you into a different direction. Pick up on specific words that the person uses and that will lead to a deeper conversation. Keep your ears tuned to words that will clue you into what the person is interested in.

But I think small talk can also be edifying in its silliness, and a pleasure too. Small talk is fun precisely for the reasons Boomer thinks it’s boring: It requires playing within the lines. Using sports, weather, family, and other unremarkable raw material, the skilled conversationalist spins it into gold—or at least cotton candy. In a way, making small talk is like writing a sonnet. It’s the restrictions of the form that make the best examples of it beautiful. Perhaps the reason so many people find it tedious is simply that they’re bad at it.

Big talk, weird talk, deep talk, smart talk—pick your preferred opposite-of-small talk, and there’s room for plenty of it in the conversational repertoire. When it happens serendipitous, it’s one of life’s great joys, and certainly more memorable than hows-the-weatherisms. But small talk will always be with us, because it’s the solid ground of shared culture. The more divided a people—culturally, politically, economically—the fewer conversational topics we can share. The more productivity-obsessed, the less time for old-fashioned pleasures. And that means small talk is no small thing at all.

Dunn’s findings arguably complement research released in 2013 by Andrew Steptoe of University College London.Dunn believes that people who reach out to strangers feel a significantly greater sense of belonging, a bond with others.

Carducci believes nurturing this sense of community starts with small talk. “Small talk is the cornerstone of civility,” he says. “When you connect with people through conversation, you’re much less likely to mistreat them or be mistreated by them.”

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Zaira Khan.

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